Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just found puke in my bra..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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