I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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