my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
