Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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