honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
