It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
