When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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