I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
