Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
