i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
