Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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