I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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