I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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