We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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