it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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