Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
