I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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