Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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