Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
