quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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