Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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