I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
