i think my mom watched the whole time
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
