If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
