I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
