I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
