the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
