I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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