So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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