Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
