Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
