that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
