best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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