my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
