I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
