You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Drunk is not a location!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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