Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
