does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
