If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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