my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
