Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
