No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Randomize
