If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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