I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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