She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
