Well apparently he's into motor boating.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
