Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
