why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
