Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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