I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
im on a boat
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