I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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