My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize