You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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