I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
