i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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