Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
