I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
