I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
