I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
