dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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