my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
