i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
